Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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