well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Randomize