I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
