True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
