I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
