You were right. It hurts to walk today.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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