I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize