"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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