Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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