Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
