her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
