I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize