he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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