we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
