Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
