Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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