I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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