the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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