i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
