also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
