my phone needs a breathalizer
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
