I can text with my tongue
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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