Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
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