I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
