i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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