So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Randomize
