Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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