Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
