Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
