Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
