At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
