I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
