Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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