Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
