Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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