I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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