A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
