I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So many bounce houses so little time
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize