i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
