remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
