Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
