i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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