so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she told me i tasted like america
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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