I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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