you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
