Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
