Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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