I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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