Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
