we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
