Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
