i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
