He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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