Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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