my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
