Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
