Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
