Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
