So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
