my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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