I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
