probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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