I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
